RealFarm

 

With the long-awaited soft-opening of RealFarm , San Francisco’s latest farm-to table dining venue has finally arrived. Here, surrounded by faux-rusted cutlery and dining decor styled as vintage farm equipment, Realfarm customers will make the “compost to kitchen connection.”

“All the produce served at RealFarm, explained owner-designer Arlo Fiske, is sourced from our very own urban farm right here in the Financial district. At Realfarm we’ve taken the idea of local food to a whole new private-access top-teir ultra-secure level!”

According to Fiske, all  of the food served at RealFarm is prepared according to both Hyper-Local and Neo-Paleo standards. “It has never been hunted with anything but a sharpened stick, or cleaned according to any sort of modern standards of sanitation.”

Each piece of Realfarm produce is also carefully rinsed with pure glacier-water flown in hourly from free-flowing mountain streams around the globe. In order to provide this remarkable service to his clients, Fiske and a team of remote Realfarmers remain constantly on-call at some of the most pristine water-sources and healing retreaets on the planet.

“Thanks to Fex Ex and drone technology we are now able to remain fully loyal to our Hyper-Local, Neo-Paleo, and Grab & Go principles!” boasts Fiske.

Realfarm produce is also exclusively cultivated by a highly-skilled team of Paleo-certified Agrotherapists™ who have devoted themselves completely to the task of nurturing each plant’s natural development and potential, often neglecting themselves entirely in the process.  farm-table-satire

“All of our produce is complimented daily.” explained Fiske. “We feel it creates a sense of self-worth that you can really taste.”

Based on the success of RealFarm, Fiske and his team are already hard at work on another exciting new dining project. FarmSpa,the country’s only Farm-Style Day Spa, is set to open sometime later this year.

“We are so excited about the soft-opening of FarmSpa!” oozed publicity aesthetician Kimberly Kay Winneford. “We can’t wait to let our high-value clientelle explore the authentic life-experience of a farm animal!”

At Farmspa, guests will “graze” from an enormouus multi-terraced indoor Dining Pasture before partaking of a variety of unique agrotherapy treatments including Prodding, Milking, and Fleecing.”